Day 29

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson

I
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place but, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit. my eyes are open I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

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I found this poem online about 10 years ago when I first attempted therapy. At that time, I thought the poem described my life exactly... making the same mistakes over and over. But you know what, I think I am at Chapter 3 now. I can see why things happen, I understand the why and the what but I am still working on the how...the how to make the change and move on to Chapter 5.

I recently found some old books and notes from the past. It included my books "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, along with an autobiography that I wrote and several other poems that I had found online. In that autobiography, I wrote that I wanted to get better (mentally) because I wanted to volunteer to help with abused family or be a child's advocate for court or maybe a child's psychologist. My words were "I want to be able to help a child feel that they are not alone in this world and that someone does care and knows exactly how they feel". After all these years, I still want to help children but I know that I need to help myself first, then my own family. Maybe after all that, I will be able to help others. I would love to be a foster mother someday - especially since my own experience in foster care was almost as traumatic as the everyday stuff that I was getting away from. Funny how it works out that way. I feel that if I was ever a foster mom, I would try to help the kids placed with me, try to help them feel accepted and loved. A song from Anything Box says, "All we need is love...".