Day 13

It has been a while since I have posted. Part of it is that I am at a stop sign or a point and not sure which way to go. I haven't drunk alcohol in over a week for the need to not hurt. I haven't smoked now in several weeks. I haven't even taken my "pick me up" pill in a couple of weeks. At first, I thought something must be wrong because I am not crying so much and I am not feeling hurt and abused and misunderstood. I felt that maybe with everything going on around me that my "inside me" was saying lock it back up and get on with life - stop the f****ing crying and move on - you are not that hurt. Then the "now me" thought that maybe I really needed the alcohol and pills to help all this hurt come out. So what is it...

I still feel that I am at that roadblock for several reasons. One is my feelings or lack of. How can I process this crap as all the books suggest if I have no idea what the feelings describe are? How can I say I am sad or hurt or any of those other words to describe how I should feel when all I feel is ANGER and FEAR? One would think after 15 years that it goes away at some point. I am here to say it doesn't. If anything some days I have more anger than I did when I was 15 and taken away from my sisters and sent away. So who am I angry at? Albert? Why did he choose me to do this to? Mom? Why did she choose to put herself before her children, choosing a man over us? Myself? Why didn't I do something sooner? Why didn't I just kill him?

Getting in touch with my feelings has been extremely difficult for me. One, I just have no idea how to figure them out. What one person says is a feeling isn’t the same for another? Is there a book with facial expressions and a description of what I should feel like if I was happy, hurt, or sad? I struggle with this and always have. Another reason the feelings issue is hard and it is also my other roadblock is that with each passing day, I wonder "did this really happen?" I ask this because I remember less and less. An incident happened over the weekend with my husband and it caused me to react in a way that I normally wouldn't. My reaction scared me and of course, my husband. I didn’t have any answers to what had happened and just told him that it wasn't his fault. While discussing this in therapy, I found that the entire time my heart was beating fast and hard and I couldn’t get it to stop. Part of what upset me about this whole thing is that I couldn’t remember WHY this incident triggered something in me. Not remembering is worse than the images I used to have because now I have nothing to help me associate this incident with (or other incidents). I left my therapy appointment and called my sister...my sole safety net while I was a child. I asked her completely out of the blue if she remembered me telling her of any of the things that was done to me. Of course, she told me what she knew but I don't remember most of it. Some days I feel as if I just woke up in this life, stuck with pain but not knowing where it came from. I used to remember...I used to remember so much that I saw it happening constantly...in dreams, in the faces of other men, in life. Funny to think about it now but I feel as if I have had blinders on for so long. Everything is fuzzy.

I really have to thank my sister for saving me...twice! Even though the first time didn’t work out the way we thought and even though I never told her again for almost 6 years, she was still the one person I could trust. As a child, my sister always knew how to choose the right and I always choose wrong but she loved me anyways. I think the best thing my mother did was have my sister.

So it has been over a week since I cried a good cry. Well, here it comes. I just cannot stop the flow. How do I feel?

Angry... angry at the man who did this, angry at my mother, angry at my sisters (sometimes and it makes me feel terrible because they were innocent), angry at the world for not knowing how to protect me, angry at everyone who has ever said they loved me and then hurt me, angry at GOD (if I should even believe in this), really angry at ignorant people who say just get over it, angry at myself for being angry all the time.

Hurt (disappointed)... hurt that those who loved me didn’t stand up for me, hurt that someone would do this to a child, hurt that I had no protection, disappointed in our judicial system where abuses get off because there isn’t enough evidence, disappointed in myself for letting this all get to me.

Terrified... terrified that this could happen to me again, terrified that this could happen to my children, terrified of knowing the truth, terrified of confronting the truth, terrified of myself.

Fear... fear of wanting of revenge, fear of my life being taken by this man or associates, fear of me taking my own life just to stop this madness, fear of being free of this pain, fear of finding the "real" me.

Worried... worried of never getting better, worried of hurting my family, worried of hurting myself, worried about my other feelings.