Day 35

This week I feel like giving up. I don't know why I feel this way but whenever I am alone, I want to cry and scream. I am frustrated with life and therapy and I am lonely and sad. Why?

**I am frustrated with life because I lost my job due to being on disability and for the first time in almost 10 years, I am not running around with my head cut off trying to please everyone and be the "go to" person. Most people think this is a great opportunity but I am feeling rejected and worthless. At the same time, I have things I could do...clean house, cook for my family, work on building my own business... but every time I think of doing any of those things, I get swamped with these feelings of despair and am unable to either get started on something or loose my steam half way through.

**I am frustrated with therapy because I think that I should be somewhat better by now only to feel worse most of the time. When I devote all my time and energy into it, I feel saddened by what I read and discover about myself. When I don't read my books or do the work I should be doing for therapy, then I like a failure because I am not working as hard as I should be. Is there an in between here? Should I give my ALL to therapy or is this a natural way to resolve internal bullshit?

**I am lonely because I don't have any friends anymore. Not that they have done anything wrong but more because I don't feel capable of dealing with anyone else right now. There is so much going on inside my head and heart that I cannot imagine talking about something minor in comparison to my issues or being able to really carry on a real conversation about day to day stuff when all I want to do is cry. I know I should be able to reach out to my true friends but I don't think they really understand what this is like for me.

**I am sad because of all the above plus I really miss my sister Amber. I wish she didn't live so far away because some days I really just want her to take care of me like she used to (even though she was younger). I am also sad because my relationship with my husband is so much better than before because we communicate to each other but since I tell him of my real feelings such as in this post (he gets to read my blog and talk to be personally) but I sense his sadness and fear for me. Additionally, there are days that I really miss my mom but I am not ready to talk to her yet. She hurt me just as much as Albert did...by not believing me, by not trusting in me, by not loving me more, by not understanding my pain, by thinking that I can just forget all that and move on.